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“The bagels are terrible. …The city’s flat and ugly, and the air’s brown.”

PETE, love lettering Los Angeles, on Mad Men

Spoiler alert:

  • Don Draper ends up at Terminus where Will Gardner gets killed off after Ted’s kids tell him to date aunt Robin.

If CNN was a pregnancy test from last night’s Saturday Night Live.

(David Letterman) has been on the air my entire adult life. Late Night debuted my first year in college. I learned more from watching Dave than I did from going to my classes — especially the ones I did not go to because I had stayed up until 1:30 watching Dave.

This man has influenced every host that came after him, and even a few who came before him — he’s that good.

And I tell you — I do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair.

STEPHEN COLBERT, The Colbert Report

"The exciting news today is I no longer need a cable subscription for the privilege of watching Stephen Colbert. Our good friend Stephen Colbert will be heading to CBS to take over The Late Show from — for at least me — the best that ever was.”

— JON STEWART opened his show tonight with kind words for his former Daily Show correspondent.

"The exciting news today is I no longer need a cable subscription for the privilege of watching Stephen Colbert. Our good friend Stephen Colbert will be heading to CBS to take over The Late Show from — for at least me — the best that ever was.”

— JON STEWART opened his show tonight with kind words for his former Daily Show correspondent.

Corrections on “Fox & Friends.”

  • Game Of Thrones is not an adult version of musical chairs.
  • Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
  • You cannot abbreviate the Supreme Court to spell SCROTUM.
  • Michael Strahan is not leaving to go be in Good Morning Vietnam.
  • Crimea is not related to Queen Latifah.
  • Pop Tarts do not cause “splosions.”
  • Boeing is a company.  Not a sound effect.
  • Pharrell is not a “stylish hand sanitizer.”
  • Chiclets do not grow up to be roosters.
  • Chris Christie was never in the show Three’s Company.
  • Life Savers aren’t medicine.
  • Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum.
  • Noah is not “found footage.”
  • Captain America was never a U.S. president.
  • The Periodic Table is not about “lady stuff.”
Thank God for Bobby Moynihan’s Brian Kilmeade.

Thank God for Bobby Moynihan’s Brian Kilmeade.

  • yours truly is enough of a musical theatre geek to appreciate when SNL pulls off a musical number and pulls it off well.

Stephen Colbert, despite the disingenuous vacuousness of the #cancelcolbert non-event, remains brilliant.

The best of Louis CK’s cold open from tonight’s SNL:

  1. (Walking out to applause.)  ”That’s very nice.  I hope somebody does that for you someday.”
  2. "I hope you had a good day.  That’s all I can do about it, is hope."
  3. "I got a white noise machine. You know what that is?  It’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night."
  4. "Americans shouldn’t say, ‘I am hungry.’  They should say, ‘I feel hungry.’  …Hunger’s a real thing.  I don’t have third world hunger.  I have first world hunger.  I want a donut.”
  5. "I went to my daughter’s play the other day.  …There is no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when your child’s play is over."
  6. "I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think men are worse than women."
  7. "Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven.  I think maybe there’s a God, but there’s no Heaven.  I think that’s the best news you’re going to get.  You die, and you’re like ‘Hey God!’ And He’s like, ‘Yup?’  And you’re like ‘Where’s Heaven?’  And He’s like, ‘I don’t know who’s telling people that!  (Beat.)  I’m supposed to make a universe, and then a whole amazing place afterwards?  You guys are greedy dicks down there!”
  8. "We didn’t give women the vote (in the U.S.) until 1920.  …That means American democracy is 94 years old.  There are three people in my building older than American democracy.  women have had a rough time.  It was so okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it.  There’s a piece of clothing in our culture affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife, and for some reason this is offensive to nobody.