“These are my birth certificate jokes. So thank you for the timing on that, Mr. President. (They’re) now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months. One of my guys said, ‘Are you worried we’re a little heavy on birth certificate jokes? What if he releases it before the dinner?’ And I was like ‘Why would he do that? He’s not gonna wait three years and release it before the dinner.' (To the President.) Who told you I had birth certificate jokes? It was Assange, wasn't it?”
– SETH MEYERS, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. (Complete with cutaway shot of an unamused Donald fucking Trump.)
Seth Meyers in a taped bit? Love it.
“Lady Gaga is developing her own fragrance that she wants to smell like semen and blood. The new fragrance would be called ‘Hotel Mattress.’”
– SETH MEYERS, Weekend Update
"(The Green Bay Packers) had cheerleaders at one point — until the 1965 ‘Frozen Human Pyramid’ incident."
— Seth Meyers, Weekend Update
“This week, Comcast officially took control of NBC/Universal, and I have to say thing are better already. No seriously: I have to say that.”
– NBC/Universal Comcast employee SETH MEYERS, on Weekend Update
Last night, Paul McCartney joined Seth Meyers on the set of Weekend Update to do a quick bit voicing over the now-famous photo of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles freaking out while their car was set upon by protestors in London.
Macca doing Camilla saying “Ruffians!” was just fucking priceless.
"I’m the fourth understudy. The first one broke his wrist, the next guy shattered his leg, and then the last guy just exploded. …It’s a musical, Seth! Do you know how people die every year doing Jersey Boys?”
—Andy Samberg as Broadway’s disastrous Spider-Man, on SNL
“Come on, dictionary. Shouldn’t the ‘Word Of The Year’ be better than Sarah Palin’s accidental mashup of ‘refute’ and ‘repudiate’? And we know it was an accident, because Palin herself went back and changed the Tweet to say ‘refute.’ Yet then [she] went back again to Twitter and defended herself, writing ‘Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!’
Well there are a couple of differences between Shakespeare and Sarah Palin. For one, when Shakespeare coined new words, it wasn’t by accident. He came up with words like ‘submerge’ and ‘sneak.’ He didn’t just take two words that kinda mean the same thing and then smash them together to make a third word that also kinda means the same thing.
…Shakespeare crafted new words; Sarah Palin got into a word fender-bender. And when Shakespeare did come up with new words, he certainly didn’t say ‘Got to celebrate it!’ In fact, I bet he never said that. ‘Shakespeare, what are you doing at the club?’ ‘Just finished Twelfth Night—got to celebrate it!’
Finally, we don’t need ‘refudiate’, because we already have ‘repudiate.’ You can’t just change the ‘p’ in the word to an ‘f’ and then say you made a new word. If it’s that easy, then I just came up with one. Here, I’ll use it in a sentence: ‘New Oxford American Dictionary, please stop rafing the English language.’”
"Fifty, schmifty… not only did my boyfriend wear Trojans - he was one.”
“This week, Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country which would allow police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally.
I know there’s some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree there’s nothing more Nazi than saying “Show me your papers”? There’s never been a World War II movie that didn’t include the line “Show me your papers.” It’s their catchphrase - every time someone says “Show me your papers,” Hitler’s family gets a residual check.
I know, I know - it’s a dry Fascism. But it’s still Fascism.”