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Things JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon will say during today's Congressional hearings over his bank's multi-billion-dollar trading losses: »

  • "I’m really sorry.  We fucked up.  We won’t do this shit again."
  • "Ah, who am I kidding.  We’re bankers!  We do this shit all the time!  We piss olive oil and shit delicious fudge brownies!  We literally live on the backs of the less fortunate!  We’re above all of you!  ALL OF YOU!!!"
  • "Fuck you, Congress!  No really — fuck you!"
  • "Regulations?  We don’t need no stinkin’ regulations!"
  • "Wall Street is where I publicly masturbate and afterwards clean up with the freshly-cut $100 bills I get from the Federal Reserve."
  • "It’s okay, if it happens again the taxpayers can just bail us out!  After they finish wiping off my ejaculate from their foreheads!"
  • "Are there any Republicans here?  Oh good.  I’ll be right over with your job offers."