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If I am falsely imprisoned for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain’s new autobiography on Amazon as a Christmas present for their father will instead send him the book ‘Everyone Poops.’ Ho-ho-awkward!!!

Orbitz. If I am held for two more days, any holiday flight booked through Orbitz will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also, all special requests will be logged as ‘Middle Seat - Kosher Meal.’ L’chaim!

Day three: Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look thin? It’s GONE. Boo-hoo!

On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game ‘Farmville,’ and… leave it alone. So people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests with one of their stupid crops. Hooray.

Day five: Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of ‘Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper’? You’re about to! It’s first on your queue!

BILL HADER, as an imprisoned Julian Assange, on Saturday Night Live.